sondersojourn

A collection of writings, essays, and thoughts.

Here I lie


I stare at the endless sky. Blue vaults stretching into infinity, forever. I watch over the land – land which owns me completely. I am the warden of this earth, the guardian of its bounty, the carer for its people. My people. My loves, my friends, my children. I am the soil, the water, the wind and the light. Ever envious, time threatens me with the end, but I am relentless. I am the great unknown. I am the force that you can’t see, the feeling of something not quite real gazing into your heart. Follow me, and you will never be lost. Darkness will never have a hold on you. Until the universe dies, always will I be here.

I stare at the endless sky, blue vaults stretching into infinity, forever.

The Current of Life

I don’t quite know what I’m trying to say or do here, so let’s roll and move and strive and see where the oceans take us.

The circumstances of my life is as a boat on the seas – I feel the chop of the water and the rocking up and down between swells. I hear the call of the deep and embrace it willingly. I smell salt, harsh and catching in my throat. I see the endless waves, the clear nights, the dead doldrums and energetic storms.

Nothing is ever certain. Nothing is meant to be. Nothing is solid. Nothing is real.

So let us cast away and never look back. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to see how many times you could commit suicide? To throw yourself mindlessly into the unknown, the uncertain and the undreamed of? I yearn for it.

Here’s to rash decisions.

Here’s to living in the now.

Here’s to giving yourself to emotion.

Here’s to living life, and dying constantly along the way.

Dissociation

‘I don’t care.’ The words came out of my mouth, flat and empty. ‘Seriously. I do not care. Do what you want.’

This was not going how I had imagined. I had practiced this talk a hundred times, ran the words I wanted to say through my mind a thousand times more, but all I could muster was apathy. I couldn’t even meet her eyes.

‘Well, fine.’ She said, her voice as even and uncaring as mine. ‘I guess you’ve never really cared huh? I was just something to pass the time when you were bored, you never actually wanted me, wanted to be with me.’ Her voice was breaking a bit now, and getting louder. ‘I need to do what’s best for me. I deserve to be happy.’

That should have hurt. I want it to hurt. Why don’t I feel anything? I knew this talk was going to happen. Whenever I thought about it, whenever I thought it was going to happen I felt sick. But now, for some reason, I don’t feel a thing. Nothing.

Why am I like this?

‘You do.’ I said. ‘Of course you do. I’m sorry I couldn’t give that to you’.

She looked and me and laughed. ‘Oh OK, here we go. Always the victim aren’t you? For God’s sake give it a rest for a minute.’

I can’t reply to that. She’s right, I know it. I know I made her happy. I know we had great times. Why did I say that?

Why am I like this?

Silence stretched between us. Again, the words I wanted to say fumbled around in my mind, scared to come out my mouth. I’m good with silence, always have been. She isn’t.

She stood up and walked towards the door. ‘I can’t stand this. You’re not gonna say anything are you? You know, being all dark and miserable and brooding is OK sometimes, but right now it’s really pissing me off.’

I’m not any of those things. Confrontation paralyses me. I look at her, I look back down, I rub my hands.

She opened the door and looked back at me. ‘See you around. I’ll be there for you if you ever get over what’s wrong with you.’ I didn’t even look up as she left. I just sat there, staring at the floor.

So, she’s gone. All these words, all the things I wanted to say in the hope that she wouldn’t leave me, float around in my head. What a load of good they were. Why didn’t I tell her what she means to me. Why couldn’t I tell her she is my everything. Why do I cry and shake now. Why now, after she’s gone, do I actually feel something.

Why am I like this?

Cloud

A lone cloud floated lazily across the blue sky. Pushed by the gentle breeze, the cloud passed over two people lying in a grassy field. The wispy, cotton-white cloud momentarily blocked the blazing stare of the angry mid-July sun, creating a brief rest from the heat.

A girl lying in the arms of a boy glanced upwards at the lonesome cloud. Her eyes studied its drifting form. One second she thought the cloud resembled a great white kite, then a dog, then the earth itself.

‘The cloud is for us’. She said.

The boy grinned, a smile of true happiness. He pulled the girl close to his chest, feeling her heart beat next to his. Tall grass rose above their bodies, topped with circles of sunburst yellow flowers. Honeysuckle filled the air, mixing with the earthy scent that comes with lying on the ground. Bees droned between the flowers, zigzagging without cause, direction or reason. Butterflies, resting on the stalks of the tall grass, stretched their vibrant wings as if saluting the summer sun.

The cloud passed by, taking with it the shade it had created, letting light and heat to drape across the couple. In each other’s embrace, the pair watch the cloud slowly drift away, blissful and content.

Over time, and a long way away from the young couple, the cloud disintegrated. The memory it designed that day, however, was forever emblazoned upon the two young lovers, and held their love strong ’till the end of days.

Up high

High above the tallest mountain there exists a forest in the clouds. The soaring canopies swell like an emerald sea across the horizon. A multitude of creatures made their homes on this lost plateau, unseen by human eyes and untroubled by human hands. The forest is unblemished, unknown, unsought and perfect.

Axiom of you

Though your mind may, at times, become tainted with corrupted thoughts and dark pretenses, your soul and heart will remain forever true to you – as long as you are true to them.

Star thief

My gaze found the night sky, and it was empty. Not a single star shone. Nothing glimmered or sparkled in the darkness. There were no pinpricks of light in the ceiling of existence.

I lowered my head. My eyes found hers, and in them I saw the universe. She had stolen the stars from the sky, willing captives enticed to new celestial pastures. The light of eternity burned from her bottomless pupils. The cosmos sparkled in her iris, a kaleidoscopic burst of colour and love.

In those eyes, I became lost. Within her mind, I fell through infinity and landed in her embrace. Cradled in her soul, I became whole.

Your path

Have you ever felt completely lost? I’m talking standing at a crossroads with no signposts, being adrift in a sea of emptiness, waking up and not knowing where, or even who, you are -lost. It’s a strange feeling, but not necessarily bad. Although you feel scared and anxious about where you are and what the hell you’re going to do next; there is, underneath, the wondrous lure of adventure.

Break free and use the build-up of caged independence that rages inside you. Like a young bird unfolding its virgin wings, the possibilities of what road to take is laid before your feet. Yes, being lost in your life is a terrifying experience, but don’t get dragged beneath the roiling waves. Make your direction your own, unguided by the desires of others, and fly away into the horizon of your choosing.

Morning

I could get used to waking up like this. I’ve barely been conscious more than a few seconds, but I am filled with a feeling of contentedness. It’s strange, only a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have recognised what this feeling is. In fact, the first time I felt it, I was scared. It overwhelmed me, this…fullness. But now, I know exactly what it is. In fact, I can’t believe I went so long in life without it.

It’s the first rays of the days light dappled across the bed sheets. It’s the gentle rise and fall of the covers, moving in sync with her breathing. It’s the warmth of her body. It’s the sound of the early morning breeze outside the window. It’s the gentle rustling and sniffing from the dog at the end of the bed. It’s the smell of her hair.

It’s being happy, and I could definitely get used to that.

Chapter Two

We could be great if we wanted. We could rise and stand upon the shoulders of those long dead giants, holding aloft the blazing torch of our people – but we do not. We dare not. Cowed and broken by fear, made docile by the promise of comfort, and weakened by a love for ignorance, we are failures. We are less than animals, lower than insects and all other crawling, gnawing, disgusting denizens that lie beneath the earth. To be laid so low, to be less than nothing in the eyes of our ancestors has shrivelled our hearts and minds. They look at us now, those dead and beautiful giants, with hatred and shame. Raging in the eternal night of the hallowed skies, they will strike at us with their wrath. We are a thrice damned people – subjugated by those who stole our lands, betrayed by those we called brother, and cursed by those who came before us. We are naught but the walking dead, withered and empty.

Yet, we can be redeemed. From the bottom of the abyss there is only one direction to go. Like the insects we have become, we will crawl and gnaw and climb and bite our way out of this darkness. Cloaked for so long in despair is itself a strength. As nothing, we can lose nothing, but we can take everything.

The weight of the ocean presses down on me, but I stride on. Slowly, inevitably, I will arrive. The call is strong, never fading or dimming, pulling and whispering at me to continue. In these black depths, I have gazed into the eyes of leviathans. They stare back with their dark intelligence and do nothing. At least these beings recognise what I am. Or do they pity me for what I have become?

The manacles of my enslavement still remain, a reminder of what I must do, what I must reclaim. The chains connecting them are broken, a few chipped links swaying in the water. Even though I broke the chains, the manacles still hold power enough. I am not yet whole. But the call promises to complete me.

I stride on, inevitable as the end.